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Not even sure what my point is

But I think I need to try to express it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about when - or if - "I'm doing this for my own amusement" becomes "Why the hell do I even bother?"

I'm not usually like this - I like to think I don't make a habit of whining, not publically anyway, or waving my arms around like a full-fledged attention whore, but is there a point where at least some acknowledgement is deserved? Or necessary?

I know that it's my own personal demons that drive what's probably borderline obsessive compulsive behaviour, and that I do stick with things long after a relatively sane person would say, "You know what? Fuck this for a joke" and walk away.

Case in point - bros_destruct. The community's been going just over two years now. And I post to it every single week. I'm pretty much the only one who does, but since I created it, I should be posting to it, right? I can't tell you the number of other comms I've joined on LJ that have fallen by the wayside in that time.

And yes, I know LJ falls out of favour and people stop reading it. I wouldn't even mind if I was the only other person on LJ who still had a thing for the Brothers of Destruction. But I wonder why I'm killing myself to get the digitals posted as soon as I can after SmackDown or a PPV when it often appears I'm the only one even reading the posts.

It does amuse me to do it, especially for PPVs. But seriously, could I not just leave it saved on my harddrive if no one else cares?

Same for my writing. I'm wondering why I beat myself up for not having finished chapters to post, when posting said chapters is like dropping a pebble into a pond. There's not even a ripple to show it was received in most cases.

It's not like I'm going to stop writing either - I really do write for my own amusement. Those stories are mine and I'm telling them the way I want to. But again, why kill myself to post them if no one's reading?

I've accused writers before of not inflicting their crappy writing on others, pleaded with them to leave it on their harddrives instead. I don't think my writing is crappy, but maybe it's not to everyone's taste. Maybe that's why it doesn't leave a ripple. And maybe that's why I should leave it unpublished.

Like I said, I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. Maybe I am being needy. Maybe this post is going to end up deleted tomorrow morning. But I had to try and get these thoughts out, even if I've done a crappy job of it.


Oct. 14th, 2010 05:26 pm (UTC)
Writing for my own amusement has never become a 'why do I even bother' kinda thing. My favorite stories are the ones that I only let a few people read, cuz really I do write them for myself.

That being said... LJ is slowly becoming the next myspace.

And I like your fics... but usually I read from your website... and never even think about commenting lol. Got into the habit of only reviewing completed fics because it's a lot harder to break it down chapter by chapter. Usually you get a bunch of 'more soon' and ... well, how is that even helpful?

Oct. 15th, 2010 01:31 am (UTC)
Writing will always happen - I can't not write. The "why do I bother" part is more about the publishing.

Because seriously? If no one's reading, then why am I publishing? Why am I maintaining a website? A community?

I thought I had perspective - now I'm just not sure.

Thanks for your views though - you always help!
Oct. 15th, 2010 02:20 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, the writing keeps on coming. Doesn't matter how many times I say I'm done with it lol.

And I personally don't give a crap if anybody reads what I write these days. Mostly I post online because me + computer = imminent doom. I've lost more shit the last few years that I care to remember because of computer problems lol. Its the only reason I started using ff.net again.

Just gotta see tho... if you aren't writing a story about the 'new' big guys, most of these kids don't care. There is not another fandom that has so many bandwagon jumpers. In the past week I've managed to talk to friends that are either normal every day marks, the weird marks who are brand specific *seriously, this one chick hated Edge on Smackdown. He went to Raw and she was his 'OMgee I looove him' fan... moved back to Smackdown and she says ...I hate Edge. Never liked him. Also the reverse marks lol And jut about every one of them won't read a story unless it has CM Punk, Evan Bourne...or some form of slash with Jeff Hardy in it. If you write Taker/Kane stuff, even if it's an epic War & Peace style fic, people are going to avoid it. Oh you'll get people reading but not many commenting. Its always been that way. I think it's why most of the authors I loved 8-10 years ago have disappeared.

Now of course, I do demand that you keep on writing the Taker/Kane
smut stories because there are so few of us left lol. I promise you a good long review whenever you get it finished!