I've been thinking a lot lately about when - or if - "I'm doing this for my own amusement" becomes "Why the hell do I even bother?"
I'm not usually like this - I like to think I don't make a habit of whining, not publically anyway, or waving my arms around like a full-fledged attention whore, but is there a point where at least some acknowledgement is deserved? Or necessary?
I know that it's my own personal demons that drive what's probably borderline obsessive compulsive behaviour, and that I do stick with things long after a relatively sane person would say, "You know what? Fuck this for a joke" and walk away.
Case in point - bros_destruct. The community's been going just over two years now. And I post to it every single week. I'm pretty much the only one who does, but since I created it, I should be posting to it, right? I can't tell you the number of other comms I've joined on LJ that have fallen by the wayside in that time.
And yes, I know LJ falls out of favour and people stop reading it. I wouldn't even mind if I was the only other person on LJ who still had a thing for the Brothers of Destruction. But I wonder why I'm killing myself to get the digitals posted as soon as I can after SmackDown or a PPV when it often appears I'm the only one even reading the posts.
It does amuse me to do it, especially for PPVs. But seriously, could I not just leave it saved on my harddrive if no one else cares?
Same for my writing. I'm wondering why I beat myself up for not having finished chapters to post, when posting said chapters is like dropping a pebble into a pond. There's not even a ripple to show it was received in most cases.
It's not like I'm going to stop writing either - I really do write for my own amusement. Those stories are mine and I'm telling them the way I want to. But again, why kill myself to post them if no one's reading?
I've accused writers before of not inflicting their crappy writing on others, pleaded with them to leave it on their harddrives instead. I don't think my writing is crappy, but maybe it's not to everyone's taste. Maybe that's why it doesn't leave a ripple. And maybe that's why I should leave it unpublished.
Like I said, I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. Maybe I am being needy. Maybe this post is going to end up deleted tomorrow morning. But I had to try and get these thoughts out, even if I've done a crappy job of it.