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Not even sure what my point is

But I think I need to try to express it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about when - or if - "I'm doing this for my own amusement" becomes "Why the hell do I even bother?"

I'm not usually like this - I like to think I don't make a habit of whining, not publically anyway, or waving my arms around like a full-fledged attention whore, but is there a point where at least some acknowledgement is deserved? Or necessary?

I know that it's my own personal demons that drive what's probably borderline obsessive compulsive behaviour, and that I do stick with things long after a relatively sane person would say, "You know what? Fuck this for a joke" and walk away.

Case in point - bros_destruct. The community's been going just over two years now. And I post to it every single week. I'm pretty much the only one who does, but since I created it, I should be posting to it, right? I can't tell you the number of other comms I've joined on LJ that have fallen by the wayside in that time.

And yes, I know LJ falls out of favour and people stop reading it. I wouldn't even mind if I was the only other person on LJ who still had a thing for the Brothers of Destruction. But I wonder why I'm killing myself to get the digitals posted as soon as I can after SmackDown or a PPV when it often appears I'm the only one even reading the posts.

It does amuse me to do it, especially for PPVs. But seriously, could I not just leave it saved on my harddrive if no one else cares?

Same for my writing. I'm wondering why I beat myself up for not having finished chapters to post, when posting said chapters is like dropping a pebble into a pond. There's not even a ripple to show it was received in most cases.

It's not like I'm going to stop writing either - I really do write for my own amusement. Those stories are mine and I'm telling them the way I want to. But again, why kill myself to post them if no one's reading?

I've accused writers before of not inflicting their crappy writing on others, pleaded with them to leave it on their harddrives instead. I don't think my writing is crappy, but maybe it's not to everyone's taste. Maybe that's why it doesn't leave a ripple. And maybe that's why I should leave it unpublished.

Like I said, I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. Maybe I am being needy. Maybe this post is going to end up deleted tomorrow morning. But I had to try and get these thoughts out, even if I've done a crappy job of it.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 14th, 2010 12:21 pm (UTC)
There's a theory that one of the problems with the internet is that it's basically a forum for you to shout in a very large space and hope you get a reply. Now, if you attempted to communicate like that in the real world, you'd be very unsurprised to get a major lack of response ninety per cent of the time, even if what you were saying was useful to the people who overheard it. Posting in comms, in particular, is terrible for that problem - people may well be looking at what you post, but they don't leave a comment for exactly the same psychological reasons as they wouldn't write "thank you for this info!" on a concert flyer stuck to a club door. We're surrounded by so much damn data thanks to the virtual age that even absorbing it all, let alone leaving acknowledgements of it, is bordering on being more than our brains can cope with - even if it's data we actually want.

So take heart, hon - it's not only you it happens to! And if it makes you happy to post those pics, post them, because you're certainly not making the world any worse a place by indulging yourself and you never know, other people may be getting something out of it too. <3

Writing, of course, is a slightly different issue (though I think some of the same things probably apply). Myself, I know I don't comment as much as I feel I "ought" on fanfic in general - and I will confess that I haven't read your last fic post yet because you posted it when I was in the middle of doing a ton of work in a different fandom, so I didn't have any spare clock cycles for wrestling fic right then and I haven't gone back and read it yet. My bad, I apologise, and I promise I'll get to it. >.>

I've accused writers before of not inflicting their crappy writing on others, pleaded with them to leave it on their harddrives instead. I don't think my writing is crappy, but maybe it's not to everyone's taste. Maybe that's why it doesn't leave a ripple. And maybe that's why I should leave it unpublished.

Of course your writing isn't to everyone's taste, hon - because nobody's writing is! For instance, I can barely get through Shakespeare and I can't bear Charles Dickens; conversely, I have friends who despise the authors I love. Certainly I don't think your writing falls into the "bad fanfic" bracket AT ALL. Obviously there are genres within fanfic as there are within any type of creative writing, so your work might not appeal to people who don't like its genre - but for people who do like that particular genre, your stuff is definitely great. *nodnods*

Basically, if "not to everybody's taste" was a good reason for something not to be published, the bookstores would be empty and so would the internet. Don't let it stop you, seriously. If you honestly don't enjoy writing/posting, then don't do it - but if you do still enjoy it, then, as they say, publish and be damned!

*hugs* Sorry, I am rambling because I only had three hours' sleep... just wanted to try and cheer you up, though. I hope I succeeded and I apologise if I failed... *love*
Oct. 14th, 2010 11:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you for being the voice of reason, hon - even on only three hours sleep.

Your perspective does put things in perspective for me - which was what I really needed. Someone to kindly tell me to pull my head out of my behind, to stop behaving like a speshul little snowflake and make my decisions based on what is best for me.

And it did cheer me up - for which I really do thank you! -hugs-
Oct. 15th, 2010 03:55 pm (UTC)
*hugs!* You're welcome, hon, and I'm glad if I was helpful! I wasn't remotely thinking I was telling you to get your head out of your behind for the record, I would never have put it like that - but if you want to take it that way and feel like it's useful, then go for it. *grin*

And yeah, always decide based on what is best for you. After all, you can't please all of the people all of the time, and you can't please any of the people if you're miserable yourself! Right?
Oct. 14th, 2010 05:26 pm (UTC)
Writing for my own amusement has never become a 'why do I even bother' kinda thing. My favorite stories are the ones that I only let a few people read, cuz really I do write them for myself.

That being said... LJ is slowly becoming the next myspace.

And I like your fics... but usually I read from your website... and never even think about commenting lol. Got into the habit of only reviewing completed fics because it's a lot harder to break it down chapter by chapter. Usually you get a bunch of 'more soon' and ... well, how is that even helpful?

Oct. 15th, 2010 01:31 am (UTC)
Writing will always happen - I can't not write. The "why do I bother" part is more about the publishing.

Because seriously? If no one's reading, then why am I publishing? Why am I maintaining a website? A community?

I thought I had perspective - now I'm just not sure.

Thanks for your views though - you always help!
Oct. 15th, 2010 02:20 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, the writing keeps on coming. Doesn't matter how many times I say I'm done with it lol.

And I personally don't give a crap if anybody reads what I write these days. Mostly I post online because me + computer = imminent doom. I've lost more shit the last few years that I care to remember because of computer problems lol. Its the only reason I started using ff.net again.

Just gotta see tho... if you aren't writing a story about the 'new' big guys, most of these kids don't care. There is not another fandom that has so many bandwagon jumpers. In the past week I've managed to talk to friends that are either normal every day marks, the weird marks who are brand specific *seriously, this one chick hated Edge on Smackdown. He went to Raw and she was his 'OMgee I looove him' fan... moved back to Smackdown and she says ...I hate Edge. Never liked him. Also the reverse marks lol And jut about every one of them won't read a story unless it has CM Punk, Evan Bourne...or some form of slash with Jeff Hardy in it. If you write Taker/Kane stuff, even if it's an epic War & Peace style fic, people are going to avoid it. Oh you'll get people reading but not many commenting. Its always been that way. I think it's why most of the authors I loved 8-10 years ago have disappeared.

Now of course, I do demand that you keep on writing the Taker/Kane
smut stories because there are so few of us left lol. I promise you a good long review whenever you get it finished!
Oct. 15th, 2010 01:05 am (UTC)

I've just been seventeen different types of AWOL lately...ohmygod, the last time I posted anything of worth?


You post! I read! :-) I have this weekend off, so I'm thinking Fireworks binge. All in one go. BAM! And then you'll send me messages about spamming your stuff. Just you wait!
Oct. 15th, 2010 01:35 am (UTC)
Thankies, hon! And that goes right back atcha, cos I love your writing too!

I honestly wasn't begging for people to read - just trying to work out for myself if the pressure I'm putting myself under to "finish" chapters and get them published was making the act of writing less of an enjoyable creative outlet and more of a chore - one I'm sure I'd end up hating.

I'm still deciding either way, but thanks for your viewpoint! And I can handle a little spam ;-)
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )