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Fan fic meme, tagged by utssq

Who is an evil wicked bitch for giving me a challenge to rant like this!  

Just kidding - she knows I love her -smoooooochy kisses!-

Is there something in fic that really, really bothers you when you read it? The sort of thing that can turn you off reading, even if the rest of the fic is brilliant? Label it here... then tag five others to do the same!

Oh man, where do I start?

Okay, I don't care how brilliant the idea or story is, if the spelling and grammar seriously suck in the first paragraph or two, I am so outta there.  I'm not talking about they occasional typo, or using "there" for "their" - hell, there's something weird about Front Page Express that throws the occasional wrong letter into my stories, so I can't even claim to be perfect in that respect.  

I am talking about someone who doesn't know a verb from an adjective, the tenses jump around even from the beginning of the sentence to the end, and they've obviously never heard of a spell checker. 

I do cut some slack for people for whom language is a second language, but otherwise?  To quote Jules Winnfield . . . English, motherfucker.  Do you speak it?

I'm with utssq in that I hate first person present perspective as well - because damnit, even if I am reading someone's masturbatory fantasies, third person past tense at least allows the illusion that I'm not!

I've also got a serious bias against teeny fic - sorry, but if your character is anywhere in her teens, unless she's someone's daughter and not romantically involved with anybody, you've lost me.  I'd actually rather enjoy reading a story about the kid of a wrestler dealing with that lifestyle, but generally speaking it isn't a fantasy anyone seems willing to commit to fanfiction, unless it involves them ending up being Jeff Hardy's/John Cena's/Randy Orton's/Shannon Moore's/{insert young flavour of the month here}'s girlfriend.

Reality check - if your dad wouldn't be thrilled to find you as a teenager bumping uglies with one of the guys he works with at the bank, or at the local manufacturing plant, it's a pretty safe bet that your wrestler father wouldn't either.  In fact, since your wrestler father travels and lives in these guys' pockets and therefore knows better than probably their own family just what they're like . . . he'd like it even less!

As for your teeny character marrying a much older superstar . . . darlin', it ain't happening.  Guys do think with the little head occasionally (some of them do it constantly!) but usually they don't use it when deciding to marry.  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, after all?

Which brings me to Mary Sues . . . man, who doesn't hate a Mary Sue!  Having said that, I do live in fear of accidentally writing her - I mean, there's no point writing about someone so boringly average that nothing ever happens to her, but in trying to make her interesting, there's a fine line between that and Suedom.

I'd go on more, but honestly?  I've already said it before - feel free to jump on over to my website here for a few scathing reviews of Mary Sue stories from the bad old days!  

Other than that, I'm actually very judgmental about fic -evil grin-

I'm hopelessly picky, but that's because there's just so much crap out there.  Life is too short for crap fiction.  Angsty wangsty song fics - hate them. Teeny crap featuring all your BFFs in cameo roles - hate them.  Your impossibly fantastic Mary Sue cooing and billing with the superstar of your choice - double hate.

But here's a doozy for you - badly written smut.  Loathe ENTIRELY.  Listen, I'll crawl over hot coals and broken glass for halfway good smut, and you can keep the side order of plot even.  But if you haven't even got the mechanics of the smut right, I'm gone like a cool breeze, baby.

There's various degrees of this crime - at one end of the spectrum, you got your teenies who just haven't got a fucking clue, if you'll pardon the pun.  And who use terrible terminology for the naughty bits - "thing" is not an acceptable euphemism for the male member, unless you're Shelby Eatonten Latcherie and you live in Louisiana -winks-

And then there's the truly heinous crimes - where they're going at it hot and heavy, he's driving her nuts with his masterful oral sex technique  and . . . he licks her g-spot.  

Clunk.

Passion killer, right there.  Baby, even 'Taker's tongue ain't that long!

I especially love the slash version of this, where the said long prehensile tongue strokes over the prostate.  Not unless we just jumped into some freaky-deaky tentacle sex!

Sorry, but once you've committed a clanger like that, the door of my imagination makes like the entrance to the Control secret headquarters and closes up six ways from Sunday.  

The only thing that makes me shudder worse than that is slash-related too - never written any slash, no plans to either, but sometimes, it's hot hot hot to read!  Honey, we're talking male pregnancy - I won't even look at that, never ever ever!

Hey, this was fun!  Thanks utssq - I owe you one, chickadee!  More than one, actually, but who's counting?

Oh, I'm supposed to tag five people - please, I really only know utssq in the wrestling world any more.  But, hey, if you're reading this and you feel compelled to do your own ranting, rant away!  Just leave me a comment so I can go read what ticks you off too!

 

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
utssq
Jun. 9th, 2008 03:13 am (UTC)
Me? Evil? *spits shines halo* I'm about as evil as a kitten O:)
nephthys_abode
Jun. 9th, 2008 03:18 am (UTC)
I'm about as evil as a kitten

. . .

Bwahahahahaha!!

Obviously you've never met my kittens!

That just means you're better at looking innocent than you are at being innocent!
utssq
Jun. 9th, 2008 06:31 am (UTC)
Jeez....I can't put anything over on anybody these days lol

ahh...and I looooove that icon :) Inquisitive Kane goodness *sighs*
nephthys_abode
Jun. 9th, 2008 06:43 am (UTC)
Mutual icon love!!

And you can't fool me cos I know you :-D
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )